If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.