I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.