Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?