In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
You Might Also Like
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.