if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My favorite farside!!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.