Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.