when dads have a rap battle
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
This classic never gets old . . .
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials