3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Breaking news:
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.