Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere