MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES