i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Happens to everyone.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I am crying
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Miscakes