skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn