You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault