Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
waiting for halloween be like:
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.