My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.