I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
This is so me 😂😂
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!