If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair