Harsh but fair
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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.