Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”