Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.