ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
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Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down