“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes