I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
You Might Also Like
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.