Phones down.
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.