Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”