God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.