Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.