ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
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Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit