I can’t wait!
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
he was correct
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Message from the dog groomers
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness