Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong