Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Leaving the Barbers like
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
just having fun
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
They’re really bad with fonts.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …