I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
This will never not be funny to me.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
They got a point!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.