rich people when they have to pay taxes
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
at ease…shoulder.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?