Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.