I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
We’ve all been there…
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.