I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.