Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what