Guilty! đ€Ș
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Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Letâs do this!
Kid: Itâs just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Thereâs 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
The thing thatâs wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that theyâre oatmeal raisin cookies.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but iâm definitely in the room
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
Youâre gonna want to be sitting down for what Iâm about to tell youâŠ
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
If you are considering buying some guyâs program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: Youâre sitting in the dogâs spot.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. đ
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
i didnât think at 41 i would be saying âbut please donât tell my parentsâ as often as i do
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
âGive a man a fish. Donât ask why just do it.â
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
âGreat. Like the short arms thing wasnât humiliating enough.â
So, when she said she wanted a âfairy-taleâ romance, she didnât actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.