When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
This squirrel eats better than I do
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!