There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
podcasts
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks