[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.