dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.