If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.