There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Bond. Trauma bond.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.