computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
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As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
“you changed” bro i was 15
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings