Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.