the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
This sounds bad:
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
The Book. The Movie.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.