“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.