Not all heroes wear capes…
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.