Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake